Like Anchoring a Balloon

This is my fourth attempt at trying to write something. I haven't formulated many words since Thursday and I don't really have much of an explanation. Some days, words just feel too foreign. I spent the last 3 days somewhere else. I have days where I disassociate and perhaps I should explain what this looks like. Disassociating is a survival technique used when people experience trauma. It has varying degrees of intensity from mild forms like what I experience to multiple personalities. It's really hard to describe and it's different than depression. It tastes like a apathy and weightlessness. I can be surrounded by people but feel completely far away. When I'm gone, I'm not lost in my thoughts or analyzing every situation. Honestly, I don't think much when it happens. I don't even dream. I'm just kind of there with no real attachments. It's almost like a balloon that's loosely tied to something to keep from floating away. A lot of the time I don't notice it until I have to think critically. Days when I feel it and need to be around people are the hardest. My thinking slows down and I have to become more aware of the present moment so I can keep up with conversation and stay unnoticed. Paying attention becomes a struggle. It's a feeling where not much makes sense and things just don't feel right. Even writing this feels unnatural but I want to share my whole experience and this is part of it. I have yet to figure out what invites it. It seems to come and go whenever. It started when I was kid for reasons I'm not aware of and has gotten more noticeable over the last few years. I've had to learn strategies to stay in the present but sometimes they just don't work. Laughing, feeling confident in something, or being stressed out seem to be the ladder that gets me out. It's interesting to see how much it affects me. For example, I can see a difference just by looking at the different writing styles in my last posts. It's almost like two different people.. and it scares me. 

It's a different fight than the battles between my wolves. Usually, I abandon them when it happens, leaving them home alone. I'm not sure if they even know. But sometimes, dark wolf comforts me when I can breathe my own breath again. He reminds me that I am not normal, that normal people don't have to go through this, and that I may be never be normal. 

Disassociating is like a strong, uncontrollable current with a motive to protect. It's powerful force is like a magnet that pulls me away. My brain still has yet to fully realize that I am safe and that this natural instinct doesn't belong in the normal world. Unfortunately, it didn't get left behind with the violence and the drugs and the hos and the pimps.

One day, I hope I will feel safe enough to stay here.