Two nights ago I dreamt again. I didn't want to talk about it but the confusion and awful feelings from it are still lingering. I was starting school at a new college, feeling excited and ready for something new. I even made a friend right away. She was pretty with blonde hair and a thin figure. I couldn't stop smiling. I could breathe. As soon as weightlessness wrapped around me, the room became dark and an older white man entered. He hardly spoke but his eyes told me something. They said, "you know why I'm here. You know what you have to do". Immediately, I understood. My fleeting moment of freedom was just that-fleeting and now, unrecognizable. I didn't bother to reach for it. Instead, I looked down as if I had expected this. He tortured my new friend and made me help. I cried and apologized to the girl the whole time. I told her I didn't want to do it and hoped we could still be friends. This went on until he was finished.. the guilt I felt was so powerful that I think it woke me up. I questioned my mental stability for most of that morning.. wondering what kind of person dreams such horrible things. More than that, I questioned why I didn't fight.
Too often, I still question why I didn't fight.
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