Defining Fate

I entered treatment on March 25, 2014 after running head on into the arms of surrender. I couldn't fathom another shot or the back seats I grew familiar with to get what was in them. I was no longer able to look people in the eye and ceased caring about getting arrested or even killed. I welcomed the idea of intervention. You could say I was finally at a standstill with myself. After treatment, I was staying with my grandma and other family and got an amazing job as full time nanny. I can remember waking up everyday amazed at the rate that my life was transforming. I went from homeless IV drug addict to trusted with children within 2 months. I always wonder if they'd love me any less if they knew. Anyway, I had about 4 months clean when I was watching the boys so their parents could have a date night. I usually worked Monday though Thursday and never passed 5 but I needed the money and wanted to help out. I was fortunate to catch the last max heading home. Not long after I got on, I felt the presence of someone I knew and my body reacted before I could. I was shaking and contemplating getting off at the next stop even though I'd be stranded in Hillsboro. I looked up to see him look up at the same time. We had both been hiding behind our books, too nervous to start conversation for fear that the other was still using. But we couldn't deny this strange coincidence that I soon renamed fate. It was Johnny. We caught up and complimented each other on how healthy we both looked. I was stimulated with strands of confusion, fear, and excitement that reignited the flame I burned for him. He never knew it but the unexplained hold he had on me was the only thing that could have stopped me from going through those treatment doors. Even though I never saw him after the motel, a part of me was still strung out on the idea of "what if". Our train ride conversation made a life of its own. I wanted to hate him but he said he was sorry before I could. I could tell he meant it. There was little resemblance of the man I thought could give a shit about me. This man was painted with remorse. His stop was before mine so we hugged and parted ways. I told him I didn't want his number but accepted the kiss he placed gently on my cheek. Somehow, I managed to keep him blocked on facebook for about one more month.. until the "what ifs" got too loud to quiet. I decided that that pivotal and all too unexpected max line reunion wouldn't limit itself to that train ride. We ended up seeing each other for a year and a half. This is the rest of our story..

This is the story about the man who sought refuge in my heart
His glance told stories
It sang songs, reviving and pioneering all at the same time 
His melody was beauty and foreign, a vacation I never wanted to leave
He had a touch made out of deliberation and intention that always left me disoriented
His kiss was a wild fire that never knew when to stop
It was force, incomparable and thought breaking all by itself 
And he held a magnetism that drew strength from the current that dances just under the ocean's waves,
leaving me no other choice but to love him unconditionally

He was my lantern light of reunification and self-exploration,
shining the light through some of the unsuspecting jungles of young adulthood
His childlike soul had its own rhythm that moved the hips and the feet and the heads of everyone who heard it
And it heartened those parts of myself that had forgotten their own fluidity 
His trust in love and faith in how the world works illuminated my shadowy corners of doubt
He was confidence and ease, and contagious enough to spread through me in everything I did
Regardless of our needlepointed nightmare, he was 13 shades of a chivalry that I never knew before
And on those icy, secretive winter nights, he was a warrior made up of the type of magic that has no limits 
He became home

Our sacred language was only being taste tested before the old love we used to share came to interrupt the noise
She lived in the fabric of the rays of the sun and your best childhood memory,
Made inside the Devil's handshake, she only knew how to take
Her persuasion was more than just a one night stand, creating an epidemic of need that echoed through forever
She was freedom, allurement, destruction, potency, and like his kiss, she was something to crave
Her force was effortless and depriving, taking the breath of anyone who stood too close
Her name was Crystal and she was everything I can never be
We became a whirlwind of explanations and ultimatums, cradling a love past its expiration date 
And I learned a new jargon, one rooted in mistrust that either took us around or away

Our potential has become elusive like an iridescent sheen that's only captured in some lights
Nostalgia has replaced our nomadic circus of impracticality and second chances
And left an ache that has no name
Some days, when stillness whispers too long, my restless thoughts play tug of war with all the things we can't reclaim
and on those days, his absence rushes through me and I can feel the unrelenting rapids of habit pull me all over again
Tamed to fit in that space between love and logic, he's my firefly of familiarity and reluctance
Our love sleeps in a box wrapped in honor and pride, protected from manipulation, instigation, and resentment
And when the sun kisses the earth goodnight, forgiving all the unlit pockets of the city
Our lions quiet their roar